Dear AirBNB, First a BBW “XXX Freak Fest”, and now your employees are heckling me on Twitter in response to me sharing my story??

Dear Brian, the AirBNB Team, and AirBNB Investors,
Congratulations to your “Customer Advocate Team Lead” Simon McGrath: The only thing scarier than walking into a 50-person “XXX Freak Fest" in your apartment is your AirBNB employees monitoring and heckling me across three continents.

 

image
image
Perhaps your employees weren’t counting on me having Google? Well, we used it to catch the BBW pimp and now we caught your “Customer Advocate Team Lead” aka “The_Legend78”. It appears staff of your international company is monitoring and heckling me directly (“@ariteman”) across three continents. This isn’t a random act, but an intentional act against a customer by your Team Lead for “customer advocacy”! (Irony, much?) 
image

image

The AirBNB “Customer Advocate Team Lead” in Ireland watching my twitter and degrading me publicly from Ireland about a show that airs in Australia is no mistake. People in Ireland don’t get Australian morning TV. Despite having an American-level understanding of Geography, I’m pretty sure those are two different places on two different continents, in two very different time zones.  Given he’s tweeted before about AirBNB’s legal issues in New York (and he’s the Team Lead!), I think it’s fair to assume he’s in-the-loop at your company.  He doesn’t seem to be attacking other people.
Also, calling someone who makes their living as a comedian “boring” at a tweet tagged with a major national TV show is a pretty hurtful thing to do (I might want to perform in Australia or appear on that show again, and negative feedback can be harmful to that). Surely it may be costly to my reputation when the TV networks don’t know it’s really an AirBNB employee posting a negative comment. You’re employees are monitoring me, heckling me, and endangering my livelihood!? 
(By “monitoring”, I think we can agree it’s difficult (if not impossible?) to respond to a tweet without watching my twitter feed. Simon didn’t seem to be following hundreds of other NYC-based comedians and tweeting at them, “boring”, so this feels pretty creepy to me… but this is all just my opinion and my personal feelings about the matter.
I’m wondering if and when I go to sleep will your employees around the globe continue monitoring and heckling me further?

You need to fix this. That doesn’t mean submitting a press release about how sorry you are for a rare incident and telling us about your 11 million rentals. I know, from messages sent to me, that plenty of people have complained*. I know that the Attorney General is actively investigating AirBNB, because two investigators showed up at my home and said, “We’re actively investigating AirBNB”, and also it’s in the news a little — not as much as #AirBNBFreakFest, maybe, but it’s up there! 

&nbps;

 
I think I’ll end this note with a quote from the Attorney General’s Press Secretary (emphasis mine): 
"Unfortunately, Airbnb chose instead to obstruct those efforts and lie about our objectives. Airbnb isn’t standing up for average New Yorkers who rent out their apartments from time to time — Airbnb is standing up for highly profitable, illegal businesses that make up a huge chunk of its corporate revenue.” (Source: CNET | ”New York AG’s office: Airbnb lying about user-data subpoena" ).
Ari
p.s. A number of people have written to me complaining about AirBNB. I cannot handle individual cases, so instead of messaging me, use this secure (https) form where I’ll collect the info and pass it along (to the folks whom you choose via the form). Only I and my attorney (“we”) will review this and we won’t share it unless you say we can. https://docs.google.com/a/ariteman.com/forms/d/1OArUFeR68qhp7nd-nWAIoRtVHHUYb5p0NICx1MZN3Po/viewform

p.p.s. I just double-checked Wikipedia, and — sure enough — Ireland is not in Australia! Those are even two distinct countries on AirBNB! I’m happy to donate a map to your team to avoid such confusion in the future. Please let me know where to mail it. I’ll have it shipped in a long, hard tube so Mr. McGrath can place it in his personal orifice — I mean, “office”! Damn you, Autocorrect! 

____

Of course, this article is written for humor and parody (In the flavor of “485 U.S. 46”), with the sincere hope it not be “boring”. (I wouldn’t want to disappoint someone known as “The_Legend78”!) This article is parody, as is much of my writing, and is not an analysis, commentary, or opinion on AirBNB. 

_____
About Ari
Ari Teman ( @ariteman | http://ariteman.com | Facebook ) is an award-winning comedian based in NYC and performing at A-list clubs and at theaters and private, corporate, and charity events around the world. He has joked with President Obama as an official guest of the White House, appeared on the BBC with Stephen Fry, Howard 101, Opie & Anthony, Vh1, CBS, FOX Good Day, ABC, Funny or Die, Rooftop Comedy, and been featured and discussed in over 100 publications, including being a 2x Time Out NY “Joke of the Week” featured comedian. He’s also the founder of the JCorps International volunteer network, creator of the 12gurus:Health and 12gurus:Charity (which TED.com named “Best of the Web”) conferences seen by 1MM+ viewers, a patent-holding inventor and designer, and creator of GatherGrid.com, the event-scheduling site featured in Inc. and called by CenterNetworks, “the most-useful interface I’ve seen to-date”. Mostly, he tells jokes. Follow @ariteman on twitter for updates. 

Dear AirBNB, no thank you for the “XXX Freak Fest” you brought to my apartment

Dear Brian and the AirBNB team,

Usually I am a fan of your service. However, I have a minor bone to pick with you, in that it appears my apartment was reserved for some major boning. Also, it appears some stuffed animals were abused. We’ll get to the damage to my furniture and belongings – but first you’re gonna love this:

You just sent a porn sex fest into my apartment, and now I’ve got over $87,076 in losses. I had to call 911 and have these “XXX Freak Fest” people removed from my apartment, my super is having me evicted by my landlord, and I do not feel safe here anymore since hundreds of people got a text saying there’s an XXX sex fest in my apartment and continue showing up, according to the doormen who I’ll  never be able to look in the face again.

This individual, “David”, said he was hosting his “brother and sister in law” for a “wedding” when in fact he was hosting a “XXX Freak Fest” as shown here in this twitter “tweet”: https://twitter.com/TWINN_GREEN/status/444588658742796289

That’s my apartment!

Notice how he fails to mention the “XXX Freak Fest” when he writes:


"Hey,

I am looking for a place for my brother and sister in law who visiting for a wedding this weekend. I just don’t have the space for them.”

You will notice that “David” gave AirBNB (and me via AirBNB) a certain cell phone number where he could be reached. The same cell phone number is seen here to call “TWINN”  for the location of a “BBW PANTY RAID PARTY” in a post by “The Black Dr. Ruth”. (You have to respect her “old fashionness” in the use of touch-tone phone and monochrome film. )

Ms. “Munch Da Mouth”, as this “Dr. Ruth” is known (I am unsure if she has a PhD or MD? Perhaps she is a Chiropractor – you can’t trust those folks.) is an “aspiring adult literary author”, and I wish her luck conquering words like, “back ground”.

I do not believe among the 18 large, heavyset men and women who were in informal attire gathered in my apartment, disassembling my furniture, (and those who kept appearing outside on the street, barred from the building by my very disturbed superintendent) that there were any brothers or “sister in law”s preparing for a wedding.

I would think a good way to annoy a sister-in-law is to involve her in an “XXX Freak Fest”. But, you know, in-laws!

Anyway, the issue at hand is my home and my things.

Let’s start with “things” which were broken, disassembled and moved into the back alley behind my apartment and tossed on dirty, wet tar, because it apparently takes a maximum amount of space for a, “XXX Freak Fest”.

Among the things you will need to replace & damages you’ll need to cover:

[redacted for safety and privacy]

Now here’s the bigger deal: I’m being evicted and I’m unsafe.

I enjoy a “Festival” as much as the next fellow, but this is a family building and some people don’t enjoy having their neighbor’s worldly possessions tossed in a pile into the common area, while a group of strangers form a pile to have their private areas tossed. As such, I’m going to be evicted.

You’re going to pay my moving expenses, because my landlord is certainly going to make me move after an “XXX Freak Fest” (and I can’t look these guys in the eye after this either).

You sent an “XXX Freak Fest” into my home and told me it was a “Verified” person with positive reviews. I had to call the police, and I will file a report.

This can no longer be my home. The stress and fear that a large band of “XXX Freak Fest” individuals have my address and keys to my home is unreal and my friend (who helped me carry my wet and dirty stuff back into the apartment (I don’t even want to know how it’s wet) was even too afraid to stay here and encouraged me to leave. The super is also working to have me evicted.

All because I trusted AirBNB that this individual was a “Verified” member with multiple positive reviews (which I now suspect are fake or unaware of how their home was raped). 

Ari